Identity and Embarrassment

The transition from childhood into adulthood is hard. The social, physical, and emotional changes combine to make it an.. interesting time. Debra and I have been watching Malcolm in the Middle lately. It showcases, in an overly dramatic, but humorous way some of the challenges and difficulties that both kids and parents deal with.

Watching the show got me thinking about why kids are embarrassed by their parents. What changes in the parent/child dynamic from childhood to teenagedom that causes a child to become embarrassed and ashamed to be associated with their parents? Obviously there is a huge range of how embarrassed in general each specific teenager gets, but I think it is an almost universal phenomena on some level.

I think the foundation of the change is that the teenagers identity shifts from being that of "I am a child" to "I am an adult". Regardless of the trueness of this identity shift it fundamentally changes the filter through which the teenager sees the world. Anything that the teenager associates with childlike behavior or identity automatically turns into a bad thing.

Because this adult identity is so new they are unsure of it and do not feel secure in it. Anything that opposes that identity then is approached with the natural hostility that comes out of insecurity. The cute childhood pet name they have always been called must be rejected with fervor in order to reaffirm and protect their new found adultness.

Being that they are new to the "adult" world and due to the fact that their brains are far from fully developed they often respond in immature and nonconstructive ways. They don't understand the reality of the shift they are going through and even if they did hormones at that point are NOT their friend.

Parents often exacerbate the problem by similarly not recognizing the change. They hold on to the "child" identity and unknowingly come into conflict with the teenager's "adult" identity. Or even worse they do it on purpose. For example insisting on giving hugs and kisses when seeing their teenager off on some trip.

Parents can impinge on this adult identity by their very presence at times. Standing next to one's parent communicates the obvious parent/child relationship and can be uncomfortable. Especially around peers. It doesn't matter how "cool" or unassuming said parent might be.

When in the context of their peers the situation is magnified because they are comparing their adultness level to everyone around them making them even more sensitive to even the smallest hint of childhood. They abuse each other over these points of "weakness" to try to reinforce their own insecure hold on their own identity.

All of this can be hard for parents. Primarily because it, like their child, is pushing against their identity. Their role as a parent of a child is being rejected. They can feel rejected and disdained. On their side though is their past experience and the fact that they aren't taking a hormone bath.

It is our role as parents to understand what is happening in order to avoid as much as we can frustrating our children unnecessarily. I have a few years before I get there, but I want to be prepared to embrace the change as the good thing it is instead of ignoring it or worse, fighting it.