The Pointless Struggle - Part 1

I have spent the last few years struggling. Struggling to provide for my family emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. Struggling to improve myself. Struggling to pursue my dreams.

All of these things were good. All of them were noble pursuits. However, in the words of Solomon it all is vanity. I had some success. Some progress was made. I didn't completely fail.

With each success I adjusted my sights to a new problem. A new issue. Over time my life has improved. My family is better cared for. I am doing more of what I want. But the need, the discomfort that I originally attributed to being in a difficult place in life hasn't gone away.

So while my life has improved I have become more fundamentally unhappy. Many of the things that I was chasing after have lost their luster. Despite their goodness they do not solve the issue that I thought I was fixing. I am more unhappy because on top of not fixing the problem I have had disappointment after disappointment.

I am not unhappy because my life is hard and imperfect, the hole is deeper than that. In fact some sin that I used to struggle with doesn't phase me in the slightest now. It is kind of amusing because I will get tempted and then realize that it is silly and just as shallow and useless as any of the productive things that I have tried.

My understanding of Ecclesiastes has really deepened. No matter what my efforts have been, diligence, laziness,sin, or virtue it is pointless. My efforts are all vain.