Fear

I am feeling called to deepen my relationship with G-d. To put Him at a higher priority level than I have been. The theological imperative and value is obvious. However, actually while plainly simple is not easy.

I am hesitating. I have been getting poked quite a lot recently, and I am sure it is only a matter of time before I break through this wall that is holding me back. However, I need to better understand the resistance.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I might have to give up things that I have been striving for for years. Things that are important to me. Things that ostensibly are good, but that I have put in a higher place than my relationship with Him.

I am afraid that habits (of varying value) I have developed to help me relax/cope with life will have to go away or change. They are comfortable and I am afraid that my ability to cope will be negatively affected if I have to give them up.

I am afraid that my efforts to pursue Him will fail. That I will decide to go after Him and I won't stay consistent. That I will blow it off like I have so many times before. That this building force of conviction will be wasted on me.

I am afraid that He will tell me to do things that will be uncomfortable. Scary. Painful. I am afraid that I will fail. That I will screw things up. That my fear will get in the way of stepping out the way I know I will be asked to.

I am afraid that I will be forced to confront unpleasant parts of the world and reality that I have been able to ignore and avoid.

I will overcome this fear. I have to. The only alternative is to give up and trudge through the rest of my life wishing it had some meaning.

2 Timothy 1:7