Sure, it might have had us discuss important topics such as beliefs, convictions on kids, parenting, etc. But, there was one thing it truly left untouched. Something that the even the several wise couples who spoke and advised us didn't discuss. Something we were fully and completely, at our ignorant ages of 21 and 18, FULLY unprepared for.
The one crucial area? Sleeping together.
Just to clarify, I am talking about the sleeping part of sleeping together. We talked about the far more fun side of the marriage bed. Just not the act of the 8 recommended hours of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Given that neither of us had really shared beds with people much beforehand made the ignorance all the more accute. As a single lady, sleeping involved laying down and getting in blankets. Occasionally a younger sibling might snuggle with me, but largely it was simple, even it boring.
Forget asking young couples what their expectations on dealing with conflict are, ask them "do you prefer firm or soft mattresses?" Because, they might not think of that one themselves. It just might be that after almost 8 years of marriage they might have to throw away their mattress and use the guest mattress as back up. It just might just be that one says "WOW! I can actually sleep! Revolutionary." and the other thinks "wouldn't the floor be softer?"
Yes, Mark and I are fully on the opposite side on the cushiness factor. I had no idea!
To be fair, I wasn't the only one blindsided by my spouses bedtime oddities (yes, I can call wanting to sleep on a brick an oddity). He was fully unprepared for my wacky sleep talking/moving/dreams when sick.
That one came to light much sooner in our marriage. A few weeks in, and I was sick sick sick. We went to the ER, found out I would survive, was given a hefty bill (it was the day before our insurance kicked in), and we were sent along our on our sniffling un-merry way. That night, after tucking his sick wife to bed and dutifully snuggling her, Mark woke up to my tears.
The blasted blankets, which had appr. 1000 different comfort settings in my dream, had gotten tangled around me. I bawled and bawled "The Blankets! They're SOOOOOO complicated!" How I regretted getting the Delux 1000 Comfort Setting blanket set. He untangled me, soothed me back to sleep and later we laughed (over everything but the ER bill).
Then there is snuggling. Given that I had a mortal fear of people touching my underarms, and a total awkward response to hugs, I assumed I would not be a snuggler. Since we knew that one of Mark's biggest love languages was touch, we thought he would be.
Turns out, there is a MAJOR difference between wake and sleeping snuggling. Mark, as we suspected, is a snuggler. Until it is time for the zzzzs then he is ready to be on his brick as far away from people as he can get. Antarctica would do it. I on the other hand, want to fall asleep snuggling, and often stay that way. I do struggle to find the ambition to snuggle for times other then movies and sleeping. Thankfully this was quickly found out, and we have largely resolved the issues surrounding snuggles.
Next comes blankets. Why don't they discuss blankets in premarital counseling? This is a REAL DEAL FOLKS. Blankets are important.
As a fall-asleep snuggler there is nothing I find more disappointing than getting ready to fall asleep just to discover my very nice to snuggle hubby is ON TOP OF THE BLANKETS and I am underneath them. This makes snuggling hard. Now, while I will call wanting to sleep on a brick an oddity, I will say this is purely preference. However, I find it tragic. For me there is no way to sleep above blankets, while he sees them only as a means of being warm when it is cold. *sigh*
Last but not least, noise. White noise? Or No white noise? Mark finds the rhythmic sound of fans and whatnot relaxing and helps him go to sleep. For me rhythmic means I should be counting. "1-ee-and-ee 2-ee-and-ee 3-ee-and-ee 4-ee-and-ee." Even if I am not playing the piano evenly spaced sounds, means my brain is counting to the "metronome".
That about covers it, beyond the typical flopper vs. still and blanket thief vs. the one who is cold. The two we have heard about, and yet largely have not had to deal with. (I think. Mark might say differently.)
To refresh I am a major blanket + spouse snugger + the occasional kid or two snugger + a few pillows snuggler all night long. It must be quiet, the bed should be SOFT. If I am sick I will talk in my sleep and have really bizarre dreams, but thankfully that isn't too often.
Mark, likes white noise, uses blankets for warmth only, doesn't want to be touched, and prefers the softness of a brick.
Namely, we are opposite.
For better or worse? We meant it (even if we didn't use that wording exactly). We are committed to making this work. But still... it would have been nice to be a little more prepared.
Those who teach premarital counseling take note:
- Do you prefer soft or firm mattresses?
- What is your opinion on blankets?
- Do you find rhythmic white noise relaxing or do you sit there counting afraid you will disappoint your piano teacher again with your lack of rhythm?
- Should you prepare your future spouse for the potential of having bizarre sick dreams and are prone to cry over being tangled in blanket?
These are important discussion points.
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