Theory vs Reality

I am sure we all have said "I'll never do _____" and when put in a particular situation have then proceeded to do it. It is easy to have a belief when it doesn't matter. It is easy to have an opinion when no one is going to act on it.

Inevitably that day comes though. The day that brings all your theories and opinions to a point and forces you to come to terms with the reality of the situation. It forces you to make a decision about how you will react. How you will respond. It forces you to decide if you really believe what you said you did or if the glaring light of reality causes to much pain or discomfort for you to hold onto it.

My grandmother is not doing well. She is 90 and has been in declining health for the past few years. Over the past year she has fallen a couple times and most recently cracked a few ribs. She is not a happy person at the moment and has not felt very useful for a long time. She is in a really bad place and in a lot of pain.

I really feel for her. I don't want her pain to continue. I don't want her to continue on with no real hope for a future other than one of pain. It would be easy and even make sense to end her life and let her have freedom from her painful existence.

This goes against my theory though. The theory that life is sacred and that it is G-d's place and His alone to determine our times. It is easy to believe that when you don't have any reason to want someone's time to be shorter than it might be otherwise.

When your grandmother is suffering and there is no real hope of her recovering to the point of living a meaningful life it really forces a closer look. It requires a deepening of conviction or an abandonment of it. There is no intellectually honest middle ground. It is the tragically beautiful reality of the situation.

It further sharpened by the fact that there is a decent chance that I will eventually end up in a similar situation myself. I might be able to callously ignore her situation and stick to my principles just because I don't want to reevaluate them, but knowing that I very well might be in the same place in 60 years forces me to take a more personal look at the question. I can't just brush it off.

My conclusion, which comes from a lot of the learning I have gone through in the past months is this. G-d is sovereign. That is non-negotiable. His knowledge and power are on a level completely beyond us. His reasons for allowing this are His own and I am not privy to them. I can and am asking what they are, but it is His ballgame not mine. It is part of my grandmother's path that I do not understand the context of. I will probably never be able to.

Ultimately it doesn't matter if I ever can make reason out of it. That isn't the point. I am not responsible for my grandmother. G-d and my grandmother are. So as much as it hurts me to know what she is going through the only real responsibility I have in the situation is my own reaction. Do I allow a painful situation to deter me from embracing what I know to be true or do I lean in and deepen my connection with G-d recognizing that He is eternally guiding us all along the path of deeper intimacy with Him if we are willing.