G-d and My Fear of Pink Short Shorts

For quite a while I have struggled with the desire to really seek after G-d. I have struggled with trusting Him. While I cannot say I have dealt with it completely I am beginning to develop an understanding that allows me to embrace our relationship with increasing vigor.

The crux of the issue has been my attachment to how I view my identity. I have largely identified myself in relation to my intellect, my ideas, and my big dreams. Those things are a big part of who I am, however they are not WHO I am. I am discovering, step by step, that my identity is fully defined in my being a son of G-d.

Now, I knew this intellectually, and that actually contributed to my apprehension and distrust. Any time you shift your identity the transition changes a lot of things about you and can be very painful. So my hesitance was understandable and to some extent legitimate. However, a larger part was I was afraid that if I embraced that identity of sonship that the things that I had previously identified myself as would get taken away. That I would have to change to be a fundamentally different person.

The somewhat humorous image I had in my head was that if I accepted G-d's calling and really embraced Him He would call me to be a missionary to Africa where I would wear pink polyester short shorts. I'm not sure why that embodies the worst possible calling in my mind, but it did. Needless to say, I didn't want to want to do that. It was a real road block in my desire to seek intimacy with G-d.

Additionally, there was another part of me that feared being identityless. Basically, losing my existing identity, and finding little or nothing to replace it with.

All of that of course is not true. Being a son or daughter of G-d is far from a "nonexistent" identity. It does not involve a stripping away of the fundamental reality of who you are. It probably will result in significant changes in your life, but those changes will result in you being more you than you were before.

Here are some verses that helped me realize this.

 

^{Acts 17:26-28 English Standard Version (ESV)}

²⁶ And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, ²⁷ that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, ²⁸ for “‘In him we live and move and have our being’; as even some of your own poets have said,

“‘For we are indeed his offspring.’

This shows us that our identity is as children of G-d. Also, when I read "In Him we live and move and have our being" I realized that by embracing my identity in G-d, by allowing Him to define me I was in fact embracing my fundamental self. How can I fully come into my full "being"? By being in Him.

Romans 8:15-17 English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁵ For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, ¹⁷ and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Again, we are adopted children of G-d. That is who we are, but not just children, heirs. G-d wants to give us an inheritance and for us be glorified with Him. To me this speaks to me that He wants to make us bigger and better versions of ourselves and to give us the resources we need to do it.

Deuteronomy 4:29 English Standard Version (ESV)

²⁹ But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.

It may be scary. It may be hard. But it is possible and He really wants us to do it.