Forgetting What I Look Like

One of my biggest desires for my life right now is to more readily accept my identity in Christ. I have struggled quite extensively (well, that is an understatement) in that regard.

Last year I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt I was attempting to take my identity in many other things. Through actions I was trying to mold myself into someone I could actually respect.

Since then I have intentionally been trying to pray more about God revealing to me, beyond surface knowledge who I am in him and my worth in him.

But lately, I've been weary of the struggle. I wish I didn't have to work through every little thing in my head and try and figure out how to not have to daily, hourly, minute by minute talk myself through the beliefs I have. I believe I am the beloved daughter of the king of king, not a *long list of stupid lies I have to routinely remind myself I don't actually believe*.

Still, it seemed like there has to be more. If I am accepting my identity in Christ, why do I have a panic attack about visiting with friends because I will somehow hurt them through my presence? Or get out right mad at God when he convicts me of my complete reluctance to ever initiate a hug (cause I wouldn't want to initiate someone having physical contact with me)? This is not who I am, so why am I living it?

Now, having an anxiety disorder means I can get panic attacks when I am startled. It's a hard trying to figure out where nature ends and the super natural begins when everything from believing a lie about yourself, that stresses me, and a loud noise, that I could care less about after the initial startle, makes it a challenge to breath. But, more often than not the attacks are rooted into trouble I borrow, and they're exhausting.

Anyway, back to the point: identity.

Today I was looking up verses about listening. One of the things I would love to be in my Christian walk is a "good listener" I have a long way to go in that regard and so was looking up verses. Beyond the one that I felt was applicable to the moment this one came up: 

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." James 1: 22-24

I hope I am not taking it out of context when I read it like I did. I believe I am a daughter of the king, I have heard this, and while I struggle to readily accept it I do indeed believe it. The simple belief of it has been a struggle until lately, and so I am grateful that I can without hesitancy type "I am the beloved, cherished, daughter of the king of king"

Reading that verse though, made me question if I was living it. It's so seemingly simplistic, I have heard I am the daughter. I have cried out to Him in utter despair three different times and asked "Who am I?" Strong, beautiful, and redeemed. I heard it, but do I live it?

So, for what it's worth  I can say "I want to accept this". I am not about to tell God "I think you lied to me". I listened and I accept it even if I have to do it over and over again. To living it.

Maybe, it is time to act on it.

What does that look like? I am not entirely sure.

But, looking at God and saying "who am I?" and then ten minutes later feeling like I can't touch someone without "contaminating" them or whatever stupid lie I am struggling with that day... is not exactly what I believe God had in mind for my life.

So, maybe if I "do His word" and act out on being His beloved, cherished, chosen, redeemed daughter I won't have immediately forget (upon crying out to God "who am I?") what I look like.