Assumptions

Assumptions, you annoy me.

No seriously, go away.

I did come to a realization the other day though, I am not responsible if people make assumptions about me. I tend to take them as my fault "this is what I have led people to believe..." but I am no longer carrying that. I tend to go back and forth between oversharing, and being extremely quiet. But, I don't pretend to have it all together. I have done that in the past, and I am so freakin' over that.

So, if people make assumptions about me and I am not intentionally putting up a front, it's not my fault. Only in very rare circumstances will I share if my kids did something that frustrated me or if I was mad at Mark. (I far more readily share if I made a mistake, as I feel that is my story I can share) I might mention there was a fight, but that is about it unless it is very private and with a close friend. Or, I am not acting on my convictions that day, which happens far too frequently.

This seems to have lead to a lot of "you have the perfect marriage" etc. I have an awesome marriage (*cough* now) but it is far from perfect and I have no objection with sharing about our struggles in a constructive manner.

To be fair, there are quite a few things I do that lends itself lovely to assumptions. I did a super restrictive crunchy diet with my daughter. I was homeschooled, and I  (currently at least) homeschool. I enjoy the occasional craft with my kids, and tend to post about them. That is actually one of the many reasons I am taking a break from social media. If I share my best moments, cause they were fun, that's not really a good reflection of my life. If I share my worse moments, as made popular by the "keep it real" movement, then that isn't really a good reflection of my life either. Social media can only see a snippet and worse or best, it is not reflective.

Note: Please know this is why I am taking a break from social media. Emphasis on it being my own personal decision. 

Also, I have made more than my share of assumptions about others and it bit me in the butt. I have been a fool more times than I care to count "Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions."
Across the board, made about me, or me making it about others I have learned there is nothing redeemable about assumptions.

So, seriously, assumptions. Go away. 

God Family

"Some days my heart gets so distressed. It gets too full, and then I am mean to my brother and sister. I don't like those days."

Oh, sweet Natalia, I can understand every word you are saying.

"Other times, I just do it (be mean) to the pillows.... I like those days more."

Feeling fully inadequate, but still being the parent in the conversation, we talked about how maybe it would be better to give the fullness of a distressed heart to God instead of squeezing, stepping on, (two things she assured she would NEVER do to her siblings) or hitting pillows or her siblings.

She agreed, that was a good idea. Actually, she thought it'd be nice if she could just pray to God and "he could just take away all the bad from my heart".

We talked about how we are broken, and sinful, and in a sinful world. The sin likes to come back. But, God tells us we should pray without ceasing. We can constantly ask for His help and His forgiveness.

We talked about my own anger, something she has seen more than I care to admit to. My frustration, my impatience, my yelling. All categorized so neatly by my gracious daughter as "yeah. Sometimes you make mistakes too."

We decided we were going to pray about our sinful heart and our quick anger, asking for God's help. Then thinking about little Val snuggling on my other side I asked if she wanted to pray too. The head nod was emphatic.

"God, please forgive my sin."

Now, let me tell you how huge those words are, up to this point Val has prayed to follow suite. She usually thanks God for everyone she can think of, a new exciting thing, and then sparkle wings. Cute, but when discussing God she generally says "THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

Here she was asking Him to forgive her. We talked about it, and Natalia piped in a bit of what it means to be a God girl (aka Christian that is a girl, her words). We talked about how Jesus died for us, that whoever believes in him "should not perish but have eternal life"

Did she believe? Yep.

We then went to wake up dad.

"God took away my sins, and I am a God girl!"

I translated because insanely excited three-year-old jabber and half asleep 30-year-old ears don't always mix well. He congratulated her and went back to sleep.

Natalia asked if Daddy was a God man and I a God women. Yep. She asked Christopher if he was a God boy. Of course, she already knew she and Val were God girls.

"That means we are a God family."

Forgetting What I Look Like

One of my biggest desires for my life right now is to more readily accept my identity in Christ. I have struggled quite extensively (well, that is an understatement) in that regard.

Last year I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt I was attempting to take my identity in many other things. Through actions I was trying to mold myself into someone I could actually respect.

Since then I have intentionally been trying to pray more about God revealing to me, beyond surface knowledge who I am in him and my worth in him.

But lately, I've been weary of the struggle. I wish I didn't have to work through every little thing in my head and try and figure out how to not have to daily, hourly, minute by minute talk myself through the beliefs I have. I believe I am the beloved daughter of the king of king, not a *long list of stupid lies I have to routinely remind myself I don't actually believe*.

Still, it seemed like there has to be more. If I am accepting my identity in Christ, why do I have a panic attack about visiting with friends because I will somehow hurt them through my presence? Or get out right mad at God when he convicts me of my complete reluctance to ever initiate a hug (cause I wouldn't want to initiate someone having physical contact with me)? This is not who I am, so why am I living it?

Now, having an anxiety disorder means I can get panic attacks when I am startled. It's a hard trying to figure out where nature ends and the super natural begins when everything from believing a lie about yourself, that stresses me, and a loud noise, that I could care less about after the initial startle, makes it a challenge to breath. But, more often than not the attacks are rooted into trouble I borrow, and they're exhausting.

Anyway, back to the point: identity.

Today I was looking up verses about listening. One of the things I would love to be in my Christian walk is a "good listener" I have a long way to go in that regard and so was looking up verses. Beyond the one that I felt was applicable to the moment this one came up: 

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." James 1: 22-24

I hope I am not taking it out of context when I read it like I did. I believe I am a daughter of the king, I have heard this, and while I struggle to readily accept it I do indeed believe it. The simple belief of it has been a struggle until lately, and so I am grateful that I can without hesitancy type "I am the beloved, cherished, daughter of the king of king"

Reading that verse though, made me question if I was living it. It's so seemingly simplistic, I have heard I am the daughter. I have cried out to Him in utter despair three different times and asked "Who am I?" Strong, beautiful, and redeemed. I heard it, but do I live it?

So, for what it's worth  I can say "I want to accept this". I am not about to tell God "I think you lied to me". I listened and I accept it even if I have to do it over and over again. To living it.

Maybe, it is time to act on it.

What does that look like? I am not entirely sure.

But, looking at God and saying "who am I?" and then ten minutes later feeling like I can't touch someone without "contaminating" them or whatever stupid lie I am struggling with that day... is not exactly what I believe God had in mind for my life.

So, maybe if I "do His word" and act out on being His beloved, cherished, chosen, redeemed daughter I won't have immediately forget (upon crying out to God "who am I?") what I look like. 

In Which I Write and Ramble and Ramble Right

Well, hello there written word.

I had no idea how much I enjoyed writing little snippets on instagram or facebook via captions and statuses. I loved using a few words to share about my life, especially the impactful moments. Writing lite if you will.

Sadly, social media has been a bit of a crunch for me. A crippling level of social anxiety has ruled my actions for the last few years. It comes and goes, but basically, if I couldn't have it all together (at least pretend I did) I would hide away in my little shameful imperfection. If it involved being raw or open, I avoided it like the plague.

I'd get lonely, and Instagram and facebook helped with that. Especially if I was feeling particularly down and could share something happy/cool that I had done. Then I'd occasionally dump on some poor unsuspecting friend all the thoughts and adult-y feelings I have been holding in.

I am not saying social media didn't help the last few years, confirming there are life forms out there that don't need you to wipe their butt is a lovely feeling. That being said, it's impossible to know whether that benefit was worth it or not. I am learning to not analyze everything. It is what it is.

The fact of the matter is I misused social media, and I avoided close friendships. I am working on both of those things, and honestly, it sucks. It is hard, and I hate that. I hate that I have to wrestle with simple things and trying to decide if they are an acceptable action. 

But, I digress...

I've decided to take a break from social media, but miss getting things out. So here I am visiting this little blog and enjoying written word. I am not sure it will be read written word, but simply having a time to write things out will be nice.

So, hi.

I plan to come here at least occasionally, and I guess I just felt like announcing/explaining that.

Now, I was actually going to write something of significance today but instead I will ramble and simply state "I will write cause I miss writing statuses"

How is that for my first post of 2017?

It is late. I ramble. Goodnight. 

Potential

I heard this on a radio show today: Your aspirations are your possibilities. It really struck me. What do you want to do? What do you think you can do?

Those are your limits. Many dreams are beyond reach. However, you don't hear many people wonder at becoming a renowned author when all they wanted to be was a gas station attendant.

Dream big. Try your hardest. Who knows where you will end up, but it is certainly farther than it would be otherwise.