I am a MAN

Uncharacteristically, I want to preface this post by saying this topic has been on my mind for a long time. I feel that is important to explore. However, it is going to contain generalizations that may or may not be accurate. I would very much like input on it so that I can gain a deeper understanding.

Masculine identity is an interesting and important subject. What it means to be a man touches on the deepest places of a man's identity. It informs almost every decision we make and it plays into every conflict we are a part of.

Being a "man" is not intrinsic. It is a quality that can be lost both in a man's perspective and in the perspective of others. There are two areas where men are evaluated as being "men". One is a more superficial area. This is surface stuff like not wearing pink or looking somewhat effeminate or not being a hairdresser or other "girly" occupation. These things are surface characteristics that can make some people revoke a male's proverbial man card. These things also have an affect on men in so far as they internalize people's judgement of them.

However, the surface level is just that, surface level. what really determines it to a much larger extent is action. Surface stuff is highly culturally specific, but there is a deeper quality that is much more universal. Being a "man" ultimately is a characteristic that is earned through action.

Here are some of the things that most importantly play into being, or not being, a man. These things are pretty well universal, and a man will feel emasculated when he crosses these things whether or not someone says anything.

Standing up for yourself. A man who does not stand up for himself is viewed as weak. Even if he stands up for himself and fails in whatever it was, that doesn't matter. The act of taking a stand establishes his masculinity. No one respects a doormat.

Providing economically for yourself and your family. There is little that can shake a man's view of himself more deeply than to fail to bring home the bacon for his family. Regardless of the circumstances, a man who's family is struggling is a man who is struggling with identity.

Pleasing women. This can mean a number of things. There is the sexual side of it, where a man can diminished if he is unable to sexually please a woman/women. More fundamentally though being able to gain the respect, admiration, and pleasure of women is a huge boost to a man's self respect and identity as a man. A man who puts a twinkle in a dame's eye can ignore any amount of men's insults.

Protecting yourself and those around you. When a man steps into the role of protector, especially in the face of personal risk, he epitomizes masculinity. Conversely, there is no quicker way to lose respect (internally and externally) as a man then by putting self-preservation over defending those weaker than himself.

None of these things are intrinsic. If these things are all in action, as they should, a male human can feel incredibly secure and confident. If these things are not being done he can feel like a waste of resources and lower than low.

Fathers play a major role in establishing these qualities in boys as they grow. That is certainly not the only factor, but fathers have the ability to demonstrate and teach their sons how to do these things. These are not things mother's can do as good of a job developing.

Mothers, girlfriends, and wives play a massive role though in maintaining and nurturing a man's identity. If a girlfriend is critical and naggy she can grind down a man's ability to stand up for himself. If wife complains and whines and raises the bar of "adequate provision", even if the man makes good money, she can make him feel like a failure to her and his family. If a woman scorns her man and belittles him he will feel inadequate.

I don't want to be too harsh on women, a man is responsible for doing the things necessary to be a man. No one can do it for him. However, women are very much capable of destroying a man's identity and self worth. Also, women are able to do a lot in building up a man's confidence. This is, I believe, what G-d meant when He said “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). Women play a unique enabling role within men's view of themselves as "men". Women are like the foundation of a house. It is not lesser than the building part of the house, if the building is crummy it can't make it better, but if the foundation is crummy the house is toast.